hey jude...

i love that song...
i really do.
my heart aches and i hear this song and my mind gets fuzzy and i feel better. It makes me smile when I hear it being played randomly in the grass with people smiling and playing guitar. I love it.

Today has been a day of nonstop hurt internally.
Some physical but mostly all were accidental.
I beat myself up with everything musical.
I wanted Cameron like no tomorrow.
I wanted to shake everyone who was nice to me and tell them to stop.
Shake them and let them understand how amazing this place is.
I wanted to crawl and be helpless because that's how I felt.
My deadlines already starting.
No books for class....
No money for gas...
No nothing. At all. Ever.
I miss my Cameron.
I really do.
I can feel myself get annoyed with the smallest things to these strangers.
These three kids with a shit load of talent see my hurt and confusion. They ask no questions. They just start the jokes. Something else to think about. Something to do. All the time.
They push me in flute.
Tell me I'm going too slow. Is that all I got? [hells no.]
They push me to work and perfect sections of my music.
It's kinda cool having musician friends that KNOW what the hell you're doing.
Then make jokes that actually are musical and for real funny. :D
But it's really not enough.
One has the smarts like Cameron.
Another has his rudeness.
The last has hair JUST like Cam's, but darker in color.
I miss him.
He's everywhere.
So what do I do?
I pretend these guys I chill with are Cameron.
He's the one pushing me to do greatest, because he's always been my motive for college.
I want to make him so proud of me when I leave this place.
I want to be something He'll always remember.
I'm pretty sure all 3 are sick of me saying Cam's name to them instead of their own...
Oh well.
They still chill.
My heart hurts.
The beatles are fixing it for me for now.
I really need sleep.
I haven't had a meal to stick in my stomach in 3 days and haven't slept right in 4 nights.
I miss Cameron.

inspire

Remember.To.Breathe.
[by rebecca ayers]

Such.Harsh.Feelings.
the world is a crumble
I'm holding it up
with loose-held pieces
of my heart

Upon.Letting.Go.
insides are screaming
dendrites in knots
kicking and screaming
in silence

Sustain.Sustain.Rearrange.
complete the whole
sum up the parts
finding your way

through the dark















It's my favorite poem I've read via Winthrop.
I'm not sure why.
It makes me sad, yet I understand the feelings it expresses....
I love it yet hate it...

day twenty-eight

this past month I have dealt with 2 deaths, one of a good friend, and one of a close family member. I have dealt with the possibility of losing my future, of dealing with a close one in college far from me, of leaving behind people who love me, of seeing someone i look up to fighting cancer yet again, and the fear of losing her as well. I've learned not to cry when things happen for a reason. It's ok to cry when something so deeply hurts you, that education is everything I need in life right now, that no matter what happens, I'll be the best in what I do, even if I have to fight through crowds.

I've learned to cry.
to laugh.
to smile.
to appreciate life.
to be less jealous.
to be more loving.
to be excited
to be scared.
all this month I've learned to really and truly appreciate God.
To be more thankful.
And learn to receive knowing that I can give back one day in the future.
I've learned to be happy.
And to be me.

This month taught me more than I can explain to type.

This month has brought more sadness than I'd wish to express.

This month has brought me closer to some and I'm really thankful for it.

doing day twenty-eight because tomorrow will be busy.

This was taken at about this time last year for senior pictures.

physically?
I have shorter hair, with color in it, and I think my face is different too, I just can't tell.
Also I'm fatter. D:
Gained 10lbs....
blahhh

day twenty-seven

I'm not quite sure honestly. why am I doing this?

Well.

I guess mainly because I saw Ashley Moore do this in HP style and was interested.

Then I started and asked myself these questions and really thought.

Maybe idk, I'm trying to use these questions to answer a few of my own.

day twenty-six

my friends.

i fight for them and defend them when the time comes.

I have very little, and a majority of them are adults.

The ones my age are mainly guys.

I still love them all the same.

I have my sisters in Clafflin, and my best friend in USC.

Those three are the smartest and I'm proud of them.

The rest are more new. One in Clemson for his 2nd year.

Another at SCAD for her first.

Another still in high school as a kick ass drum major. <3

One's in heaven saving me a spot and catching up on any drama he hears for me.

2 are still in beaufort high as well, being big nerds.

I love them all the same.

My sister in Alabama fighting through.

My girls in Rhode Island being all college-y

I love them all the same.

I fight for them and defend them whenever and to whoever.

[just ask cam, he's been chewed out before for dissing a friend of mine.]

That's what I think of my friends.

just being silly.

I thought going out would help me not miss you.
i was wrong.
just being silly.
always a conversation with your name.
always brought you up.
everything reminded me of you.
you take up every conversations when you're not here.
not next to me.
yet.
when you are, you're still the topic.
in my mind.
just being silly.
Always bringing up when I'd see you.
Always bringing up things you did.
just being silly.
It's comforting.
You're always here with me.
Even when you're miles away.
<3

day twenty-five

what you would find in my bag???
which one?

music bag-TONS of flute music i'm working on.
purse- meds, wallet, comb, random things...
school bag- stuff packed for winthrop. :D

day twenty-four

A letter to my parents huh? Look at the last letter I wrote. I'm done with them now. No worries about them anymore. I don't feel like getting mad.

Time passes by sooo quickly.

I honestly didn't wanna regular blog until I finished my challenge...but the times call for it darlings.
I think waiting to be pushed into the hectic world of music is very tortuous. I'm cleaning, packing, chilling online, all alone in a empty house. Everyone's at work or being babysat. I'm here. Just here...No cameron to wake up to. Nothing to wake me up cuz he got out of bed....Yet I wake up thinking he did, I just missed him...But no, it's my mind playing games.
I miss him, I truly do.

HogwartsLive has lost it's touch, yet I wanna be a Witch level so things we planned will work.

"I'm missing you so much....And I'm wasting away, away from you."

Yay for depressing music? haha

Oh shittt....I gotta work on my DJ music. lol I wish I had my other itunes with meee.....cammie....:P

A part of me says fuck him roommate! He was mine first! I have the right to miss him so much that I want him texting me constantly.

Another part feels selfish for wanting him all the time that I try to leave it alone...His roommate wants a good friend in college, and Cam is just the guy.

I think after Xavier died, I haven't been so scared to lose Cameron to another girl...Life's too short worry about that...I should worry more that I got the message across that I love him, I miss him, and he means everything to me. I'm scared to lose Cameron in general. I'm scared that one day, he'll just leave this world without notice and everything I wanted to do with him has been left undone and I'd be alone here, Fighting my problems by myself.

I think things will be easier because Cameron will be in Columbia and I'll be in Rock Hill. Close, and easy. It'll be like when Cam lived in Lady's Island and I was in Ridgeland, but this time, I'll be driving.

I miss his face...but I don't want him upset. Honestly, I'm a pro at depression now I think. haha Him, not so much. ;)

Maybe he understands now why I wanted to go out so much the beginning of the year?

I'll be ok. I just need to focus on cleaning and packing. 2 more full days and 3 more nights to sleep through. Need to deposit my check today as well...

God help me.

promise that you'll love me?

If I had no more time
No more time left to be here
Would you cherish what we had?
Was it everything that you were looking for?
If I couldn't feel your touch
And no longer were you with me
I'd be wishing you were here
To be everything that I'd be looking for
I don't wanna forget the present is a gift
And I don't wanna take for granted the time you may have here with me
'Cause Lord only knows another day is not really guaranteed

So every time you hold me
Hold me like this is the last time
Every time you kiss me
Kiss me like you'll never see me again
Every time you touch me
Touch me like this is the last time
Promise that you'll love me
Love me like you'll never see me again

Oh Oh Oh

How many really know what love is?
Millions never will
Do you know until you lose it
That it's everything that we are looking for
When I wake up in the morning
You're beside me
I'm so thankful that I found
Everything that I been looking for

I don't wanna forget the present is a gift
And I don't wanna take for granted the time you may have here with me
'Cause Lord only knows another day is not really guaranteed

So every time you hold me
Hold me like this is the last time
Every time you kiss me
Kiss me like you'll never see me again
Every time you touch me
Touch me like this is the last time
Promise that you'll love me
Love me like you'll never see me again

So everytime you hold me
Hold me like this is the last time
Every time you kiss me
Kiss me like you'll never see me again
(can you do that for me baby)
Every time you touch me
(see we don't really know)
Touch me like this is the last time
(see everyday we never know)
Promise that you'll love me
(I want you to promise me)
Love me like you'll never see me again
(like you'll never see me again)

Oh oh oh oh oh

Don't waste your time on me you're already the voice inside my head. I miss you..

I've never felt more alone. It's my turn to feel shockingly depressed.
I need to be in college. now.
No one is here to really talk to me.
I have to wait for hours and hours for someone to get online to feel just slightly comforted.

It's now not the jealousy of someone being pretty or not....more of someone actually being able to be social in an environment that is equally alone and has a thirst for new friends.

I miss him.
so much that my heart hurts constantly.
My best friend.
The only one who has stuck by me through EVERYTHING.
I'm fighting tears now just to show that I will be ok.
I'm fighting to say that I'm not hurt and push through.
I'm fighting to wait a little longer. To keep having hope and to not breakdown and cry forever.


It's ok...

It'll only hurt for a little bit longer.

day twenty-three

I loveee fruit. I crave for pomegranate the most!

day twenty-two

haha what DOESN'T make me different from everyone else?
Well, i'd like to think that way anyways.
I like about every genre of music.
I don't mind just being with one person, if it's my one person. :)
I love movies, and asian junk, yet I'm very american.
I hate the taste of beer, and love me some coke.
I have black sisters, asian sisters, and a jewish mom and a black mom.
I support kids who are down.
I like special kids.
I LOVEEE harry potter.
I'm in love with my high school sweetheart still.
I wish on stars.
I pray everyday
I like to bake more than cook.
I'm messy yet organized.
I love kids, but scared to have one.
I wanna learn ASL.
I'm taking french, not because I have to, but because I WANT to.

I love science, hate math.
Music makes me smile even if it gets really bad.
My middle school buddy passed away a week ago.

I still am depressed by it.

I love graveyards....but I'm scared to see him.

I'm different. I remember people.

day twenty-one

this person, cameron, makes me happy.

this madness, harry potter, is amazing.

<3 them both.

day twenty

well. 2 reason for this one.
But i'd like to state that I hate the idea of marriage.

a. I've lived with this guy for about a year.

b. Liv and Angie and about everyone says we act like a married couple...so eh. whatever.

oh i do have one more reason.

Cam and I have made a pact that if we turn 40 and no one wants us yet, we'll go ahead and get married.

so there ya go.

day nineteen

[this is starting to suck. I miss Xavier.]

Nicknames.
well. I'll just say Lucie, it's a faded nickname and honestly not a good one.

Lucie is short for Lucifer as a girl's name.
[aka Lucinda I think.]

People always joked, you're no Angel, you're a little devil. so....ta da! Lucie was created.
Now, it's just Angel really, but if I'm in a I hate the world mood, I just write things and sign it Lucie.

day eighteen

My plans:

Right now. make it all the way into college. no stress with issues, just. get. in.

My dreams:

I dream. of world. peace. *tear* haha jk
honestly, i dream about rubbing my success into my family's face. and pay back everyone who has helped me every step of the way.

My goals:

Hopefully straight A's in college...

16 posting

nothing newer.

day seventeen

i wanna switch lives with....
well idk. honestly.
i'm really use to being me so i think i'll be ok.
maybe as a famous person like haley from paramore. just for a day to reassure myself that i don't wanna be famous. haha

day sixteen

[once again...catching up.]

i'll post one later. >.>

day fifteen

1. the young and the hopeless [good charlotte]
2. Girl [epik high]
3. hair [the early november]
4. the making of [gwen stacey]
5. lunch for the sky [socratic]
6. a ghost of you [good charlotte]
7. pathetic, ordinary [alesana]
8. emotionless [good charlotte]
9. track 2 in alpha that matt snow gave me.
10. i don't feel very receptive today [underoath]


i have a lot of GC. XD

continuing day thirteen

Dear.....

I can say a lot of words about you, but sadly none will help you understand where it comes from. I am mad at you. I have been for the past good few years of my life. I've had bursts of anger throughout the years to tell you all of this. None of it shows the full story.
Let's go back to where it really started getting bad.
Remember my 10th grade year? You probably don't. I don't remember much of it myself because I've suppressed so much of it. I came home in tears and in so much pain. Did you notice the blood? Did you notice the tears? No. You only saw the rain from my clothes dripping onto your perfect carpet. Sorry I got water on the floor. I ran in my room and didn't come out for weeks. What happened when you finally noticed? I got the flu. You laughed and told me to deal with it and walked away. I finally begging to go to the doctor and you let me go. It was too late to go. My competition for flute was 3 days away. the doctor said if I came 2 days before I would have been able to go. You sat there in the living room watching your fucking shows all day and laughed at me. called me names. I cried so hard because I wasn't allowed to do the one thing to make me happy. The last year I was able to as well. I earned that spot and it was taken away from me. By you. You never noticed me hurting myself.
"Where did all those bruises come from? Why are you bleeding?" Never was that heard. Instead you looked for reasons to give me new bruises. New pains. New scars.
But you don't understand why I hate you so much?
How about when I was being choked by him? I couldn't breathe and the fingerprints around my throat stayed for a week. What did you do? Nothing. You told ME. to say sorry. For what? I never understood. I never did apologize. I saw no need. When you dragged me from the driveway into the house by my hair and made me bleed yet again in front of guests, what did you do? Hit me as hard as you could with a metal rod screaming for me to tell you sorry. For what? I never understood. I'm sad to say I did break down and tell you sorry. You never deserved it.
Well let's go pretty recent. I was thrown across the room by him. and my head hit the corner of my bedside table. I was knocked out was a short while then back up when he started hitting me everywhere. I had bruises up and down my body. You just stood there. The worst part? I was actually defending you. I was actually going through this on purpose to fight for you and the hurt you went through because he cheated on you. What did you do? Turn your head.
I was the first born. You said mother always had the most pride for them. Where was your honor when it was tested? It figures. Never there. Never a mother.

Thanks mom, for leaving me out in the world to fight for myself. You told me that if I needed a bit of money you'd try to give me some. I finally broke down and asked. I was told no.

He's probably using his money for the hookers at temptations. I hope you know. and if not, he's probably having cyber sex with some ugly bitch on facebook.

Good job fucking up everything mom. I'll never see you again.

day fourteen

they're all that i've got.

day thirteen

honestly. i kinda already wrote a letter...
but. i guess i could write a new one. to another person.

but in a min. so stay tuned.

day twelve

Blogger.
I made it to actually learn to write out my emotions. my feelings and not let it get to the best of me.
i guess it's not working as well as i hoped it would.
i also write dreams, nightmares, and song lyrics i love.

i don't remember who told me about it.
i think i just found it honestly.

day eleven

once again. i'm behind.


My best of friends. <3 love them all.

day ten

[btw i suck at keeping things on a day to day basis...]

songs.

happy: something i can sing to. fast paced.
sad:good charlotte a lot
bored:anything. sometimes k-music.
hyped:a lot of house of pain or something like that
mad:august burns red and the sort.

day nine

proud of?
what am i proud of so far this past week?
really.
you're asking me.
i think most people know the answer.
it's nothing.

day eight

short term goals...
make a decent chair in winthrop band.
i need to prove that i'm good at something.