hey jude...

i love that song...
i really do.
my heart aches and i hear this song and my mind gets fuzzy and i feel better. It makes me smile when I hear it being played randomly in the grass with people smiling and playing guitar. I love it.

Today has been a day of nonstop hurt internally.
Some physical but mostly all were accidental.
I beat myself up with everything musical.
I wanted Cameron like no tomorrow.
I wanted to shake everyone who was nice to me and tell them to stop.
Shake them and let them understand how amazing this place is.
I wanted to crawl and be helpless because that's how I felt.
My deadlines already starting.
No books for class....
No money for gas...
No nothing. At all. Ever.
I miss my Cameron.
I really do.
I can feel myself get annoyed with the smallest things to these strangers.
These three kids with a shit load of talent see my hurt and confusion. They ask no questions. They just start the jokes. Something else to think about. Something to do. All the time.
They push me in flute.
Tell me I'm going too slow. Is that all I got? [hells no.]
They push me to work and perfect sections of my music.
It's kinda cool having musician friends that KNOW what the hell you're doing.
Then make jokes that actually are musical and for real funny. :D
But it's really not enough.
One has the smarts like Cameron.
Another has his rudeness.
The last has hair JUST like Cam's, but darker in color.
I miss him.
He's everywhere.
So what do I do?
I pretend these guys I chill with are Cameron.
He's the one pushing me to do greatest, because he's always been my motive for college.
I want to make him so proud of me when I leave this place.
I want to be something He'll always remember.
I'm pretty sure all 3 are sick of me saying Cam's name to them instead of their own...
Oh well.
They still chill.
My heart hurts.
The beatles are fixing it for me for now.
I really need sleep.
I haven't had a meal to stick in my stomach in 3 days and haven't slept right in 4 nights.
I miss Cameron.