[P.Y.T.]

Well I couldn't think of another title for this blog, I seem to put music related stuff as titles.
P.Y.T is what I'm listening to and what I'll be memorizing to play tomorrow. fun stuff.
So I came home from watching Funny People today.
I'd like to note that it wasn't the best movie ever. it was actually a bit annoying and made not only myself, but a friend of mine a tad bit sad.
You think for a while about "the one".
Well, will you screw it up?
Will you actually find this person?
Will they hit you so hard that if you do decide they are "the one" then will that person honor that?
Will it impact you do much that you'll most likely date people that that person if you two don't work out?
How annoying is this train of thought, right?
It's pretty annoying when you don't want to think about the future in that way.
"I wanna rock with you~ all night...."
yeah, random lyric.
Because of band, I'm listening to a lot of Michael Jackson, Akon, and Love Sex and Magic song....
can you tell that's what we're playing this season? XD
Anyways.
I sometimes wonder if I've already fucked up my life too far...
I think so far it's highly possible and I need to try to salvage it with dignity.
Sad..not even 18 just yet and already fucked it up. What. Is wrong with that picture?
I apparently have a general 52 more years of life in a scientific record of life length and the possibility that I'll never be fully happy with how it's turned out.
Wonderful.
I'm quite nervous thinking about life.
But if the Mayans were right, then in about 2 years and a few months, I'll die and don't have to worry about it at all!
hmm...
interesting.
Well I'd like to hope that I live my life to happiness, and this is just a phase.
I hope that's true and will play out.
Depression sucks and should be taken out of human life.
I don't understand why it's even here.
grawr.
well I think that's all for tonight...

Wonderfully Done.
~Angel.

Marching Band

Today was day three in band.
It's really funny to hear people talk about us.
I've heard that we aren't in Marching Band, we're in boot camp!
We're crazy for putting ourselves through all of that mess.
This is harder than the crap we do in football!
You have to memorize HOW many songs?
This is harder than the marches my kids in JROTC do...
I've heard it all. I take great pride in it, but it's no joke. So far, We're all punished atm because some of the band members didn't clean up after themselves yesterday after training. Today, we ran about 25 laps around the training field as a warm up, plus some extra running until we drop because a few members were late.
We have had shorter lunch breaks because of the mistakes we've made, and shorter breaks for water.
Once lunch is over, the horn players are playing non-stop for the rest of the day. so from 8am-3pm we are in training. that's a total of 8 hours. But, don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I love it.
This keeps me going day to day now. Less time to think about anything other than marching orders.
Physically, Mentally, and Emotionally, it's all been tired, busy, and focused on music.
I. LOVE. IT.
I'm not gonna say I'm happy all the time, but this has helped a bunch. Every friday basically is going to be very busy and filled with energy. I'm really excited for this year. I want to start the season with our first show.
I don't care that I have to wear wool uniforms, or play non-stop or March non-stop. It's amazing. and the crowds screaming and singing and dancing with you guys is just an amazing high. When you go out during halftime, more than half the stands are there for that show and when they flip out because you just showed off dances and the music you've been working 8 hours a day for, it's amazing.
This is my life, and I have no doubt in my mind that this will be my future, even if I'm not the one playing.
No matter what college I attend, I know I'll always be a part of the band somehow, and with that idea, I take comfort.
Next week is parade stuff and dancing stuff. I'm scared, but it'll be alright.
My family [not including my sister] has officially said they don't support me because of my choices in life. I'm ok with that, and I'm being really honest.
I have my adopted mother, Ms walker, My adoptive father, Mr drake, and my family, the band.
I love them. I really do. I have the support from them and it's what motivates me in life now. I couldn't be happier to have met them. :)
Well that's it for now. I'm done with Perk of being a wallflower btw.
It's an amazing book, and I suggest everyone of my readers read it.
I actually WANTED to read it slower so it wouldn't end. I loved it. simply put.

Lovely.
~Angel [RHS. Band Member-Flute]

from perks of being a wallflower.

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
and he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
and that's what it was all about
and his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
and his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took the kids to the zoo
and he let them sing on the bus
and his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
and his mother and father kissed a lot
and the girl around the corner sent his a
valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
and his father always tucked him into bed at night
and was always there to do it.

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
and he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
and that's what it was all about
and his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
and the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
and left butts on the pews
and sometimes they would burn holes
that was the year that his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
and the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked to go see Santa Claus
and the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
and his father never tucked him into bed at night
and his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
and he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
and that's what it was all about
and his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
and he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
and he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
and his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
and the girl around the corner
wore too much make up
that made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
and at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring loudly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried to write another poem
and he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
because that's what it was really all about
and he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
and he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.

Lead me to your heart

So I had a pretty awesome day on Saturday with Kristan and Kelsey.
It was our mini adventure....basically involving us being mad at Kristan's crappy GPS, and trying to find a place to get piercings in south carolina.
Sadly, there's only one and it's over-priced and filled with potheads.
I tried really hard to enjoy myself and it half worked.
Horrid feelings and memories came back, and it was uncomfortable for a little bit.
I really wished I could have slept over in Hampton with them, I think it was getting better and more comforting in the end.
It's my own fault for getting into a slum I guess. It's quite frustrating trying to fight it. Fighting. It's all I know how to do and all I do everyday now.
Time to get on a new note.
Perks of being a Wallflower.
It's made for every teenager I believe. It basically hits on everything a teen goes through....in some form at least.
I love it. It makes me laugh. It's a bit hard for me to read because it's in letter form, but at least it doesn't bounce around all too much. Charlie is quite innocent in my eyes. Yet has the most insight about people.
Music. It's doing this thing to me again.
It plays songs that are bad for me, cuz it keeps this slum down. Marching Band Training has been working it out for me though. Thank God. It'll play a song I don't want to hear but it gets stuck in my head forever. I still love it though...
Marching Band....I'm not sure why I did this again. I guess because for my senior year I wanted it to be a bang and have an impact and keep me busy. So far, I have 8 hours of practice a day for 4 days this week and next week. Today was 4 hours of crazy hard marching out in the sun, and never ending drills and cadences. I'm sure basically all of my readers have no clue what I'm talking about....Think of a military platoon marching and getting orders, but add dancing and that's our band. We're gotten a lot more strict and larger since my last term with the band marching. I'm a little excited now that I think about it. We'll be doing a Michael Jackson set [duh.] and a dance mix as always plus a few others. I'm pretty excited.
I'm addicted to grape juice. The red kind. My sister is now calling me the drunk in the house...She thinks I'm gonna be one of those rich old ladies who sip red wine and live in france.
Great....now I'm an old lady.
Well this is yet another pointless blog. fun fun.
It's something I've grown to love to do though...
Good Night My dears.

~as always,
Angel.

Myths, Legends, Fables...?

The story of the swallow.

In ancient Korea, there were two neighbors living in a very poor area. They both had large families and farming rice was all they did, along with some vegetables to feed themselves. Because of their poverty, both families lost a couple of their children because of starvation and disease. The only difference between these two families were in characteristics. One family was very kind, while the other was very mean.

A young swallow bird was one day found with its wing broken between the two farmer's yards. The mean farmer came out and looked down at the swallow. He spat at it and said he didn't have time or food to help something not linked to his family. The kind farmer saw his neighbor make a fuss about something, so he came out to see what the problem was. He saw the hurt bird and rushed to help it. Food was a precious thing back then, and the kind farmer had a lot of mouths to feed. He still took care and nursed the bird back to full health, feeding it some of his own food, and helping it anyway he could. The young swallow, once he was fit, left suddenly from the kind farmers home.

The next day, the swallow came back and talked to the farmer. In shock, the farmer just stared. Birds were not suppose to talk to you. It told the farmer thank you, and dropped a seed in the farmer's hand. He told the farmer to take the seed and care for it just like he cared for him. As the bird left, the farmer did as he was told and planted the seed. The next morning, there was a large gourd in his back yard, almost as tall as him. He took his ax and cracked it open, and out came a flow of gold coins. The farmer cried with happiness and right then, the swallow came back. The farmer blubbered his thanks as the bird told him to plant this seed as well. The farmer told the swallow, no I don't need another seed, I'm rich as it is, but the bird pressed the seed in the farmers hand and flew away. The farmer once again planted the seed and took care of it. The next morning an even bigger gourd grew and once the farmer cracked it open, rivers of silk and other precious clothes flowed out of it. Once again, the farmer cried with happiness and the swallow came back. Once again, the bird gave the farmer another seed and told him to plant it. The farmer yet again refused saying this was plenty enough and it was honestly too big of a thanks. Before the farmer could give back the seed, the swallow left and the farmer planted the 3rd seed. The next morning, the gourd that grew was just as big as the farmer's house. The farmer cracked open the gourd and out came his children that died from starvation and disease. As the farmer greeted them and cried with happiness, the swallow came back one last time to see the kind farmer's reaction. All during this time, the mean farmer saw all the treasure the swallow gave his neighbor, so he stole the bird away when the kind farmer wasn't looking and broke the bird's wing. That way he could heal the swallows wing and get rich like his neighbor. The kind neighbor thought the swallow left, and so he took all of his things and moved into the city to live comfortably and happily.
Once the swallow was healed, he took off without notice and brought back a seed the next day. The mean farmer quickly took it and planted it. The next day a gourd as big as his neighbor's first gourd grew and he quickly took an ax to it. Many diseases flowed out and took hold of him and his family. The swallow returned and the mean farmer cried and asked for the swallow's forgiveness. The bird told him it must come in threes and you must be punished. The bird planted the 2nd seed in the ground for the farmer and the next day, another large gourd grew. The farmer didn't open the gourd so it broke apart itself. Out came locusts and other insects that ate away his house and other possessions. The bird came back a third time and planted the seed for the mean farmer yet again. As it left the farmer begged for forgiveness and to take it all away. The bird just flew away. The next morning, the gourd was as big as his house. The farmer was too scared to even go near it when it burst open. Demons from hell ran out and took the mean farmer away from his family and dragged him down to hell.

This was a story I heard from my mother, aunt, and grandmother as I lived in Korea when I was really young. For some odd reason I just remembered this story last night as I was coming home. I just felt the need to type it out.

just a reminder for myself.

For future blogs...
because I have to wake up early yet again, and it's like 12:30am....

Korean myths.

Music thing.

Pictures.

Story of disney.

Girl's night.

It's basically like a what's to come for my readers.

XD bonus on my part so I won't forget!

I'm by your side.

I'm at a loss for words honestly.
I feel content I believe in the state I'm in. I think Montanna has passed on his old actions and habits to me, which, sad to report [no offense montanna...] is a bad thing. :/
I kind wanna stay inside all the time, and not be social with my friends...yet I do, because I refuse to go into such a deep slum. [[Is slum a word? I guess so cuz It's not red lined....]]
I just started reading this book...Jay gave it to me randomly. He does things like that, so silly. It's called "Perks Of Being A Wallflower". I'm pretty sure someone I know has read this, but I'm not quite sure as to who...
Anyways, This guy decides to write to a "friend" never says the name, and changed not only his own name but whoever he talks about. He didn't put a return address...Already in the first letter there's abuse, suicide, and divorce. My kind of book I think...It was published in 1999, but written in the future. 2001 to be exact. It has nothing about 9/11 or the problems we have today. It's pretty amusing to read in the point of view.
Now I'm just rambling, and I think I kind of need to.
I finally got in touch with this dude I'm suppose to talk to. His name is Sam. I think Sam sounds like a too nice person that I never had interest in. Then again, I might just be making excuses again to not see him...I'm not sure if I'm suppose to call him back...he called me when I didn't have service. I'm not gonna lie, I don't wanna see the man. What harm will it do though, honestly?
My mind seems to be going at a million miles per hour. Jay's going to Aiken for a picture day. I'm pretty jealous that he can randomly do stuff like this, but then again, he is older than me. A weekend all to myself sounds amazing sometimes...I kinda wish I could just make a trip to someplace like Lexington as a personal trip. 2 hours vs. 8 [?] is a big difference though. Maybe after my first year of college, I'll just do something like that...It'd be nice. [[Money. *sigh*]]
Senior picture were today, and I kinda enjoyed it...AFTER I was done with my own shoot. It was interesting helping out people and running around. Made me smile a bit. It is pretty tiring though. Tomorrow I'll be working and going around and about with some girl friends and I'll probably not get enough sleep yet again.
I'm not sure why I'm just going off topic and jumping into another topic. If anyone is reading this and keeping up, you deserve a high-five. I'm not sure if I reread it I could keep up...
I realized today how scary I could be when my anger got out of control. It scared me to think about my past and remember the type of person I use to be. In psychology class last year, I remember reading about type A people...I looked back at my younger-self and see that I really was that type A person. No one crossed me and they were scared to. I relished in that fear and lived off of it...I think mainly because I lived in fear at home. That I think is a different story, made for a different blog...I'm not sure if I'll open up to that part in my life so easily. So openly in my blogger account...maybe a few stories but nothing more. I was THE punk-ass little kid who though they were big, mean and badass. Looking back, I just see an idiot girl trying to make a name.
It's midnight and I think I'm done...
Time to try another day without swears....wish me luck, because I've failed for more than a month....and this is just for 24 hours of no swears. at all.

Good night all.

~Angel.

just a note...

I've been wanted to blog a LOT these few days, but lucky for me, the internet's been down at random times.

Just noting that there's a possiblity I won't be blogging as much, as if anyone honestly reads this blog too much....

What's to come?

New angel retelling stories.

Possible pictures.

Much later shall be THA stories, oh fun fun....school starts in a month.

Thanks to my readers if I still have any. Many more thanks to those who comment.

The world as I knew it....all became so fuzzy.

I still remember the first day my father came into my room asking if we could talk. It always meant that I did something wrong. I was thinking I was gonna get in trouble for sneaking out again. No, it was so much worse. We sat down, my mother was still at work. He looked at me, with so much excitement. It was a look that screamed, "WE WON THE LOTTERY!!" Well, maybe for him...

"Angel, I want you to know that I don't mean to lie to you. I try to tell you the truth every time." He starts off. Yeah, I already knew this was gonna be such crap. "I know you've come to call Warwick home. I know you love this small dingy appartment, and I know you love your friends here."

Once he said that, I already knew. We were moving. Again. After he PROMISED that Rhode Island was our home, and the biggest move we would make is to a house. It was like the rest was a blur. All I heard was "reassigned" "military" "Parris Island" "South Carolina"

That was the word that made my head snap back up.

"South Carolina. As in the state near Florida. As in hick land. As in SOUTHERNERS?!" I practically screamed. This. Was way out of hand. No one said anything about the south. I remember the last time I was in the south. It was Mississippi, and it wasn't pretty. It's all I needed to hear. I didn't care about the ocean, or how pretty it was. It wasn't home. I marched into my room and just cried. I called my best friend Sarah soon after to give her the bad news.

"Oh. My God. I just googled South Carolina. It's rediculous. It's like famous for palm trees and civil war crap. You can't live there! You'll be like 8 states away! You have to be there when I graduate! Stuff like that is important Angel, you have to move in with me and forget your family, no joke." Sarah basically just started ranting on and on about how horrible this future home of mine was, and I was not interested. "I bet you'll come back after a year with a thick country accent wearing boots and talking about the civil war." She said, trying to make me laugh. It was the last straw. I had to cry.

"I have to go Sarah, I'll see you at church this Sunday." I barely got out before big heaving sobs took over. It was one down, two more to go.

Sarah McHale was my best friend for the longest time. We were so close all the time. I called her my twin. I've known her from the time I first came to the states, and we just talked a little. It wasn't until I came back to Rhode Island when I was about 10 that she became my best friend. I have two other really close friends. Their names were Amanda Gavitt and Devan DiLibro. We were friends from the fifth grade, and sadly, they weren't friends with each other. I had to face them tomorrow during lunch. It'd be the worse day I've had in a long time.

As the bell rang the next day to signal lunch, I walked a bit slower until I saw them, sitting at our usual table, with a chair in between them. My chair. I sat down, and refused to look at them.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" Devan asked. She was my bad-ass friend. We were the rebels at the school, while Amanda balanced me out by being the good girl. Amanda looked just as curious and worry filled her eyes.

"So, um...I'm moving. In about 3 months I think." I whispered.

"NO. FUCKING. WAY." Devan looked as though she was about to kill.

"Oh my God, Angel! When did you find out?" Amanda crooned. She was always the motherly type.

"Just last night, and I've never felt so miserable. I'm going to South Carolina. Near this base called Parris Island. Apparently it's a Marine base." I said, while fighting the urge to cry. I bugged my father into questions late last night, and the answered didn't look too bright. Nothing he said appealed to me. I had to do some research myself. Especially with the fact that dad was torn between 3 different places to live.

Amanda and Devan kept voicing their sympathy and outrage all throughout lunch. I just picked at my food and listened to it all. It was just not a good day.

Later on that night, I get a phone call from Amanda, she was trying to get me to think positive about all of this.

"Maybe it'll be like in all the books we read! Some really hot guy will like you there because you're this new girl and you two fall in love and it'll be for the better!" Amanda said wistfully. Her crush for 2 years wasn't interested in being more than best friends, and romance novels were all she read these days.

"Yeah, sure, and my sexy bod and charming personality will lure them to me. Right. Amanda we are in reality, if books happened in real life, we'd be living it up!" I replied. I was not the cutest girl in school. About 50 lbs over-weight, Having the usual zit problems and my hair was so long, I could sweep the floor with it. I knew no guy liked me, so I gave up on trying. I loved my rock music, My dark baggy clothes and being nothing more than "One of the guys". Boys were thought of a friends in real life, and something more in dreams.

Amanda fought with me for ages all the time. She was a bit more heavy set than me, and was on the soccer team. She had some social skills, while I had none. I had friends because my teacher in the fifth grade basically told me to grow up and be happy, maybe friends will come to me. Lo and behold, Amanda and Devan were at my side. My best guy friend was at a different school during my junior high school years. Jay Leach. He went to LaSalle, the preppy school for rich snobby kids, and I resented the fact that he left me for the most important years of my life.

As our conversation of me being negative [as usual] and Amanda being positive [as usual] continued, other thoughts of turning into a hick came to mind. I've never been so scared to change who I was. I was happy being baggy gothic-like girl who lived off of rock, yet played the violin. Music was life, but I hated playing such a wimpy instrument as violin. I wanted to learn bass guitar so badly, but my mother would never let me. It wasn't a "classic" so it was rejected. My arguments of string bass is the same thing but bigger were always ignored and I was silenced with a threat of some kind. My life was always filled with walls and boundaries. The only one allowed to bend them were other adults like my Grandpa in North Kingston about 5 mins away or my Aunt Nancy about 30 mins away. [Which seemed forever away...]

My Grandpa introduced ice skating to me not too long ago, and any chance I got, I'd go to the big pond behind the greenhouses my Uncle Matt had across the street from my Grandpa's house. I was planning on joining the ice hockey team next winter and learning how to skate better. It doesn't even snow in South Carolina, much less have a ice hockey team. My life as I knew it was about to be crumbled away...

We're halfway there.

I've been immersing myself in music and the comfort of my friends to run away from everything. It's really upsetting. It's times like this where I spite the fact that I was not good enough to get into Govy's.
A school of music, how amazing is that? There is only music and nothing else. Every subject had a basis of music in it and you ate, breathed, lived in a musical environment. It's a high school I can now only dream about. I hate the one who denied it, and ones who look down on it. I hate talking about it, but tough times bring up my past and my failures. My biggest rejection.
My only rejection I care about.
The reason why I started this is because I'm not sure why I'm at THA. I'm kinda in that let's question God stage. If I went to the music school, college wouldn't be such a big problem. Maybe if my tone and breathing were more regular. I wish for a 2nd chance all the time. Money won't be so bad maybe. more college would like me, and life would go a bit smoother. My parents would be proud of me for once and less stress between us would appear.
It seems like the world is slowly showing me my dream and teasing me with it.
I feel no pain.
or hope.
It's pretty annoying.
Yet again, mother yells to I'll finish it up t another ime.....but with little story.

Life come tumbling down all at the wrong moments.

I'm a senior this year. High school is finally come down to one last year to endure. It's amazing how many changes a person goes through during just four small years.
Right now, I can't say I'm enjoying the easy carefree life as a senior as many and most believe or do. My money issues come into a realistic view and hope and dreams become crushed. I'm quite alone in my family to succeed with what I wish to do and where I wish to go. It's something I've noticed that many don't think about until their Junior year has come to a close. Or maybe some people have accepted defeat in life and come to terms with what they are going to do and who they shall become. I'm fighting this mold. The idea of being here in 5-10 years scares me enough to fight just a little more. Stress is overbearing and I'm already starting to crumble. It seems like I always want the easy way out now. I've become lazy because I've always had to be strong and sure of myself. I'm not sure if people react like this or not. I want to be the first of the Madisons to get a Master's degree. A first in my family to become a Musician of a sort. I want to make my mark in the world as the one who did sort away from my family's ideals.
I want to do what I wish for, what I long for, and what I desperately dream about. To get away from chaos from my own home would seem miles away from now, but one day, I'll achieve it.
It's hard to remember my freshmen year, now that I try to look back. I remember the basics, but that's it. Major events that made people remember me. Sadly, all of them weren't so honorable. I wonder what major moment will be remembered my senior year. I think all of us who read this blog will remember the most horrid things from my Junior year. Maybe it comes every other year. [[which isn't looking great for my 1st year at college, wherever that may be.]]
I try to remove stress and instead it becomes replaced by something else. I want a vacation so terribly, but I'm stopped every time the opportunity comes about. Just a week away from worries. Well, no use in wanting something that won't happen for a long while.
Sometimes life gives to a fake jab to the right and a wicked left hook and knocks you down. But once it's over, you remember it and you won't fall for the fakes again.
Even if you start crumbling from the weight of stress on your shoulders there will always be at least one who helps you. You just need to find them is all.
Insight on my senior year doesn't look too great, but that's quite alright. There's always next year.

Wonderfully done.
~Angel.