Distractions.

"Why? Why did you attack me 3 times? Why do you hurt me? Why do you feel the need for attention? Why do you occasionally lose control of yourself? Why can't you stop it? Why do you act irrationally?

Do you know why?

Do you want to know why? "

Why did I? I attacked as a build up of hurt, anger, pain, and confusion. I've recently become less angry in college. Less to give a shit about. The last time I lost control of myself was about 3 months ago, well. Almost 3 months ago. I use to have this obsession with attention from men. Because my dad I guess. I never got any from him. It was like make up for it. It was stupid. I don't do that anymore either. I do have a lot of guy friends still though. But nothing like before. I think for the most part I'm a lot better. less of it comes from what "relaxes" me. In fact it's how busy I can get here. It's how wrapped up I become in this world I've created here in college. Here in a life I've started on my own. I've come to enjoy what happens and learn to worry about "normal" things. like grades. Boys. Looks. Flute. The usual. See if I can rush Delta Om next semester. Hope to be like Jill. Think of my sisters and miss them daily. Want homecooking from Ms Angie everytime I face Thomson food. [D:] I've learned to be normal and ok with who I am. I've learned to try to forget my past and let it just define who I am.

As for the last two questions. I'm not sure how to answer them because I don't know what exactly the question is....haha

little flower by gary shocker.

I see Hannah all the time now.
She makes me wanna cry everytime I go to her facebook.
I think I'm going to play little flower for her. And Nick. It suits them I believe.
I hope one day they'll meet again...

stupid education paper.

I hate the idea of writing this dumb paper on "the philosophies of education."
I'm most likely going to fail this class because of my lack of car.
[lack of car=can't make it to my service learning project=less than 15 hours=failing because of the amount of hours I'm lacking.]
The full 15 hours are due november 23rd. I have 8.
Fuck you guys and not giving me an alternative with your bullshit lies.
music major does not mean i MUST teach music during my service learning.
>.>
fuck you guys.

photography.

it's like a little surprise in each roll of film.
A roll of wonder and mystery.
A hope that the pictures you took develop as amazing as you picture it in your mind.
I wish I could enjoy the carefree attitude my best friend has here.
I wish everyone was just as blissful.
I enjoy making my college life just like this film.
My own photography in life.
Waiting to develop.
Waiting to bloom into something hopefully.
Just as beautiful as everyone else pictures it.
In their minds...

gone to the coast. gone to the coast where i let my hair down. downnn.

gone to the beach. gone to the beach where i let my ship sail. yeahhh.


time keeps ticking by.
it gets slower
speeds up when it's unwanted

and though the news was rather sad, well I just had to laugh

well it's time.
for my own conclusions.
It's really rather sad.
I've felt the need to find every downfall for everything positive I've done.

Praise:
Becoming a decent piano player. From struggles to achievement, all without the help from a silly book. Part Asian genes? Maybe.
Fighting to keep my place here in Rock Hill...with some money to use for flute items.
Become more familiar with a Mac, without someone telling me, I just figured it out myself. This helps me in my tech classes and my job with the college. Finale, eat your heart out.
Finding more peace of mind here in the fresh crisp cold air and not missing one SINGLE thing about silly little beaufort. That area can kiss my ass.
Finding a friend or two that are quite sweet for now.
Meeting people and actually trying to be social. Trying to be something COMPLETELY different from what I was back home. It feels good.

Pains:
Dropped Aural Skills and Music Theory. It's kicked my butt and it has been only a couple months. I'm scared to see what will happen next semester.
Fearing the possible drowning in debt in the future.
The loss of my best friend.
The hate I feel when I'm forced to go back to beaufort.
The fear of commitment in ANY way.
The thought of my future recitals.
The lack of parental support TO. THIS. DAY.
Missing my little sister Tina all the time and seeing her grow up without me in her life when it's so important.
Being scared of losing the friends I have gained. I don't want to be alone again.
Fighting depression still and holding in anger.
Throwing tantrums in my room alone.
Crying over a movie because my life is done with tears. Cry for something that doesn't matter and can't cry when it's needed.
Fighting with my thoughts and hoping that I can graduate with a Music Ed. degree.
Trying to stay motivated.

God. please stop giving up on me. I've already done that. I don't need you to give up on me too. Give me the strength to keep going in my life. I don't want to give up now. I can't give up now. At least for the ones who have so much faith in me. Please watch over me these few years before I give up on myself fully. Please put hope in me because without it I don't think I'll be able to move from where I am now.


imsickofbeingemotionless....