Time consumer, time consume me...

Sometimes I wonder if I'mreally worth every effort people give me.

I wonder why people stillgive an effort to sustain me, to make me happy, to help me feel alive.

It'd be wonderful if I could star over and feel anew.

But life doesn't work that way, does it?

I wonder what would happen sometimes....

Maybe life would be easier? God only knows.

Easy doesn't mean good.

I hope I can feel a bit more worthy of everything.

I sometimes would love to ask those who put effort into me why I'm so worth it.

Cameron, The Matlacks, Ms Angela in her own way, Ms Walker, Mr Drake, my own friends for staying my friends....I'm not so sure myself....

Hopeless.

I've finally become desperate and hopeless....

Someday, Somehow.

I feel so free.

It's so sad.

To my readers, just a quickie update...

I've moved out of my house. My best friend's parents have taken me in as their daughter and God only knows how much that means to me and how much I owe them. Big time.

My parents are out of control with my life. and their actions towards me has gotten to the point of unacceptable. I can only pray tha because of my actions for what they have done, my sister will be better off...If not, there will be hell to pay, and best believe I'll be more than happy to be the cause of it.

Ha, so many people have told me to stop being th rebellious young teen and suck it up and deal. All parents seem "unacceptable" at this time.


They never had any idea. who are they to say different.

I know the difference between right and wrong.


....I know what the difference is between abuse and disipline.

Never will the others who are quick to judge against me realize what hell I've just escaped from.

Only one person knows every detail, and in that one person shall I only tell every detail.

I'm just glad to be free and happy....things are better, yet at the same time worse.

But in the long run, who knows....only God, right?

can you feel my heartbeat racing?

Footsteps pounding. Running faster and faster.
Unsure of it all.
Just breathe, it'll be fine.
everything will be fine....

Just breathe as you go according to plan.
Let them do as they please.
It'll be ok.
Everything will be ok.

...in the end.

So break me down.

Beaten and bruised.


I'll be just fine.

Try to break me. Make me cry.

I'll be just fine.

There's one thing you'll never have.

That's satisfaction.

You want to be dressed in poetry but the imagry doesn't fit.

I am quite the selfish, jealous, and greedy one.
I wish I had some money. Big time. I'm looking at beautiful dresses for ideas about prom, and pageant [Which btw, I'll be attending Miss THA to win this year, not because someone forced me to do it.] and I desperately wish that my parents or well my father was more responsible.
My father wastes him money on broken cars to waste more money to fix them up again. He forgets he has two teens living at home, and on top of it all, we're girls. Hate to break it to him, but I WANT a pretty dress for once in my life, something I ACTUALLY wanted because it was beautiful and just perfect, not because it was the prettiest one that was on sale. I'm being sooo selfish right now and dreaming and bitching about something as silly as a dress, but honestly, it's sad that I have to wish for it so badly. My little sister is starting the whole teenager/shopping/clothes thing, and I had to tell her no about 3 different things she wanted to buy the last time I went to the mall. My father is too busy spending money on things that isn't really great. Why can't he pay for the private school tuition and bills first before the cars? I'd understand why I couldn't get pretty dresses then.
Those damn dresses. Who the hell pays $400 or more dollars for a dress they buy once then forget about it?
I hate the fact I want one so badly. I want my perfect red-corset dress. I really do. It's really pitiful to not want to go shopping now not because I just can't stand the crowds [which I do.] but more because I NEVER have money to spend on new clothes. I haven't gotten a new piece of clothing I wanted in over 6 months now I think. My sister is a bit longer than that. Birthday money is coming up, and I want to spend it on clothes, but honestly, it only goes so far. And I always feel horrible once I buy it. Guilt. Every time I go shopping for new clothes, I feel guilt.
I don't think I'm going to use this upcoming money on clothes though sadly. I'll probably have to save it so I can get new things for my college dorm. It's wonderful how I can't trust on my parents to provide for me, and I really need a job.
Whenever this license test day comes up, Job comes in, maybe I'll be able to spend some of that into a new pretty dress and I'll quit bitching about how I want one so badly...
Just maybe...
Stupid distance. It's always been a problem to me.

only she knows the pain that i've been through.

In the backdrop of a dimly lit room, softly playing notes were heard. As I slowly walked towards the music a figure appeared. The music playing louder now, a guitar. Notes played as an emotion longed for. Beauty itself seemed to live in the hands of the musician and the instrument itself. Slowly, I came to look at the owner of this beauty. Casually dressed, soft hair slightly covering his face. Skilled hands caressing the guitar as though it was his child. Emotion from him flowed out through the song. His muscular arms flexed from the strain of holding the guitar up as he played. Studying his face, slowly it started to raise up to face me. Hints of unshaven hair caressed his face and the sharp angle of his jaw accented the emotions that entranced my ears. Suddenly the musicians eyes snap towards me as I realized the beautiful sound only resonated within my mind. As though I was hypnotized by this man's talent. The glint in his eyes hinted that he knew of my presence before I acknowledge his. He stared for a moment then motioned for me to sit on an old couch. Mildew and mothballs covered it. Sitting down, I stared at his face a bit more. He just glanced down and started one more song. More mournful than the first and the emotions behind it grew tenfold.

Written after I saw this amazing musician play at church one day. :)
He told me he was just playing his emotions out and that he missed the one he loved.
I just felt the need to write it down.

It's not your fault.

Sometimes you think it's your fault.

....but it's not your fault.

Bruises on your arms, legs, back, chest

...It's not your fault.

I want to call for help and protect those I love.

...It's not your fault.

What if it is, and it could all go away before it's too late?

...It's not your fault.

I'm not sure anymore....

I guess....

It's just not my fault...