A Child Called "It"

I've finally read it.
It's finally been processed.
I feel too cold about it.


"At times while Father was away at work, she would spend the entire day lying on the couch, dressed only in her bathrobe, watching television. Mom got up only to go to the bathroom, get another drink, or heat leftover food. She she yelled at us, her voice changed from the nurturing mother to the wicked witch. Soon, the sound of Mother's voice began to send tremors down my spine." [Page 30]

This reminded me strongly of my own mother and how she was....and maybe still could be. If she was an alcoholic, I have no doubt in my mind that she would turn into the same Mother spoken by David Pelzer. His story is a true and very harsh story. I'm sad to think that my life was so close to being much like his. His beatings and verbal/emotional abuse mirrors mine exactly. His physical abuse when it involved a broom or a hand or a foot was much like my own.


It gives me a small chance of hope that I will get over this. Mentally anyways. Dave Pelzer did, right?

hmmm. let's just say how dare she and smile.

Right. about four months or so?

Beautiful. Good timing to explain it all to a very overly pissed off.

Anger Problematic girl.

Who's fucking diagnosed with PTSD.

Who's in the mist of a harsh fight with her old friend Jamie.

During all of this to be buddy buddy again?

Right when you dropped me to basically be homeless.

To basically not care and to die.


Did you know my father had a wish?

A wish to fucking kill me and my sister and my mother?

You were the closest girl I ever got close to.

I actually fucking cried because I though everything you said was true.

GOD. I FUCKING HATE YOU. AND HOPE YOU GO STRAIGHT TO HELL AND BURN FOR AN ETERNITY WHILE YOU SEE MY FUCKING FACE.


I hope life gets harder and harder to you until you can't stand it anymore and take your own life.

Because I know you're weak enough to do it.

Because that's what I've been through 5 times this past year and 2x this year.

Because that's what you deserve you fat ass bitch.

I regret ever helping you through your hard times.

I regret every nice word.

I regret everything good that's every happened to you because of me.

You fucking dare try to add me as a friend NOW after so much bullshit you made me go through? What you made Cameron see? What you made happen?

FUCK. YOU.

Like anything would be anything close to good ever in my life after what you've done to me. Like I'd even come close to slightly forgiving you.

Like I'd ever give you the chance to explain yourself after 4 fucking months of no word.

When I did ask you myself what happened, what was your bullshit answer? Ask my father? you know what? you should have told me then, and you should have told me the truth. This is all of your fault. My life may have been bad, but it became even worse because of you.

Then you tell MY friend. one of my CLOSEST friends bullshit lies so damn well that he believes you and yells at me?

How. Dare. You.


Fuck You Bitch. I hope someday you read this bullshit and cry. Because you need to feel like the scum of the earth that you really are.

You make Shaye Roberts look like a saint.

Let's all smile and lie to my face. :)

I love how one day you finally spill your guts out to someone you thought was a close friend of yours and the next day they don't care about what you just told them and be all buddy buddy with that.

I. Hate. People. Like. That.

"Who messed with you? aw don't worry about it angel, I'll take care of it."

Sure as hell seems that way.

I was so damn close to fucking crying and you could tell yet you want to get real damn close to those fucking bitches?

Go right on ahead, but I'm no longer going to stress myself further by being friends with you.

Fuck. You.




You know, I'm tired of keeping this nameless. Jamie Hager, you can die in war for all I care. I want nothing to do with you any more.

Sometimes, you never be alone.

I've been talking to this guy named Preston Shacklefurd. He's pretty cool. He's the guitar played in the band The Apprehended. It's pretty interesting, because I thought here we go again, some dude just wanted to bug the hell outta me. I don't get why Michael thinks it'd be cool to talk to him...What ya know I'm not so alone after all.
I feel horrible whenever I think about it that way. It really is not a good thing to be happy about, but I really can't help it. Preston's dad abused him and his mother when he was younger. His mom divorced him after his little sister was born and they moved down here. He's had a pretty hard life too. He has a cute little girl named Natalie and he's really proud of her and doesn't shun her like most guys who have kids do. He's only 19 turned 20. No, he doesn't live with the mother of Natalie but they still talk. I don't know but I'm pretty damn sure that Preston has had it harder than me. He made it through high school, I'm really glad he's alright. He acts as though everything is just fine with life. I hate to admit it but I'm really glad someone else had it pretty rough and it isn't a character from a book I read.
I think this is the fastest I've trusted a person in general. I think it's foolish, yes but the simple fact that he too survived abuse in a way really gets in interested and trust him more. It's stupid, yet I just feel like I should. I wish more people understood how hard this really was. How everyday feels like you've been drugged with a downer and it takes so much to get through the day.
I love acting really I think I'd be famous one day if it wasn't for my love for music. I even fool myself sometimes.
I'm also a big scaredy cat I think. I'm always so afraid to post what I really feel to the public, and Blogger doesn't count because at most, 3 people read this. I wish I can tell people what I really think with no fear. I wish I could just be brave. I'm just so fake honestly just because I'm not proud of my past, I'm so ashamed. I wish I could be proud like Preston. He's really someone I wish I could be like. *sigh*

My life in a nutshell is just stupid.

There's a reason for the world, you and I.

I have such the problem right now with how friends go.

I've been on and off mad at a few friends, and could never stay mad. It's a bit depressing that this occurs.

Jamie- He seems to just forget his friends whenever he's got a girlfriend and it really ticks me off. It also ticks me off when he's visiting and decides to never say hey. No matter who I'm with I'd like to see my friend's faces once a blue moon. I'm not super ticked, pissed off mad, but It does sting a bit.

Flip Side- I hate how the smallest thing like one apology then a cool off time makes me forgive him that quickly. >.> Then it doesn't help when I hear that He'll be shipped off 2012 when he graduates The Citadel. I'm kinda mad yet again because more and more of my friends are just being sent away to war, and God only knows if they'll survive or how long until I see them again.

I was reading Givesmehope, and one of them a while ago was about a girl and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend was suppose to come home the day after that phone call. When she was expecting a call saying he's back home, she instead got a call saying he was killed as they were ambushed on the way out. [[the gives me hop part was the soldier's little sister rode her bike 5 miles to see her and comfort her.]] It really upsets me, it really does. All of my friends are all just falling apart. :( [[ok, more like moving away]] But still.

Gabi- She's such the queen bitch. She was suppose to be my best friend and help me as much as I've tried to help her. two seconds in the hard stuff, and BAM she basically tells me fuck you.

Flip Side- well, there really isn't one except I'm still [and always will be] hurt and shocked by it, but now All I want is my damn book back, then Whatever, she can live her life, and I want nothing to do with it.

People these days kinda aren't my thing to socialize with I think.

Stan Man asked our class what we thought about college. I really didn't want to tell anyone what I thought about it. I made a small comment that was like really really watered down to what I REALLY thought, and even that offended people. At least I'm starting to actually think about how others react for the most part.

What I said. "Tcl is a joke and I'm hoping college is much harder and I'm scared it won't be."

Reaction. "Woah, *laughs*" [[brandon nettles dumb comment...] "my mom owns TCL." [yeah ok. Thomas Letizel does. My reaction? "Well tell your mom to step it up, it needs to be harder."

What I really wanted to say...

I believe college will be THE easiest thing I've ever done in my life. I'm praying that my life there will be much better there because I'm not around narrow-minded people or people who are obsessed with following people they hate. I'm finally glad that there are people who think outside the box for once and teacher that actually have the potential to challenge me in a way where I do enjoy it. I'm finally glad that I will not get insulted by teacher whose knowledge is limited more so than mine, and states they will "give me something hard to do". I'm glad I'll distance myself from people I don't want to be near and get the chance to see people more like my mind. Maybe in a small little way, there's someone out there in college that share a lot of similarities like me, and became strong like I did. I just want to see people who are real and not fake. I'm excited for college more than anything. I've never been so ready to just leave home now. I want to leave and I want nothing to do with this town. I'll be the one laughing and smiling and screaming for joy my graduation day and you bet your bottom dollar I'll be the fastest one out that door.

I want to make the graduation speech the more I think about it. I'm really hoping that I'll be the 2nd smartest as Cam's most likely the 1st in our class. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to, mainly because of my grades this year. I've had a very high GPA of 4.0 for about half a semester so far. I'm pretty excited to see myself graduate with a beta sash and march down with a band medal or two.

the more I think about it the more it really hits my mind. I'm excited. I really am.

Once again, a flip side.

I'm scared I won't be able to let of and become less stressed about things in my life and everything that happens. *sigh*