And so. life tries hard to move on.

Trust.

Something so simply seemingly easy is quite difficult in the end.

My newest excersize via Mary Beth [other than changing the room I sleep in into something different from how it looked back at my house...] Is journaling. I think I might actually let her know I have a blogger web site...I honestly don't like typing out my feelings all too much anymore.

I feel so guarded and insecure from the world and people sometimes. I just had a glimpes at Montanna's newest blog and saw the word Abuse...I wonder if he really knows how hard it is to go through it and write it so everyone really understands how it goes.

Ms. Walker is going to give me a book to read called "A Child Called IT" I've heard of it before and guessed as to what it was about but I just avoided it honestly...

Now I feel I'm ready to look. Ready to read. I understand his life was a harder abuse. I want to know though. I want to hear it.

Ugh. Walker says it'll be better when I leave this place, as much as I love the people here, it's the location and the history that follows it that messes me up, and she's right. I need to leave ASAP. I'm just scared that it will be without my little lifeline and I'll be alone and scared. I won't have a trusty friend and fear will honestly run its course in college I think.

I've never been afraid of anything before. Nothing. Because whatever it was, it wasn't that bad and I could take care of it. Death was an easy thing. I was never scared and always embraced death. I just would wish I lived longer to see and feel all the points in a mortal life. With Tina being killed, I knew I would always take care of her, and if something or someone wanted her, they got a pissed off big sister to get through first. She was nothing to be scared of with her death as well. As for violence and the such, I could take it, and emotional things? pssshhh bring it.

Now? I'm scared to death that I'll end up back home, and the next thing everyone sees is me in a hospital bed and my sister blaming herself for it all. I don't want her to see me as weak or scared or nothing other than fearless, strong, super angel. I don't mind death at all, but dying by my father's or mother's hand is the last way I wanna go.

How stupid is it that I want no one to be close to me, yet get upset if people I thought were my friends completely drop me? A mess, right?

I sometimes wish I could just go up to the podium on graduation day and tell all of THA what exactly I've been through and what selfish, horrible shitheads they all are, with their stupid problems and perfect life. What I wouldn't give to not worry about money everyday. Guess what? I got clothes this year for christmas and was never happier because I needed clothes. badly. I'm outgrowing my old clothes. OUT. GROWING. I'm 18 and still growing, and don't have the money to buy a simple thing like clothes because my parents never ever cared for my basic needs and they really won't now more than ever. I wish I could just scream at them to be thankful that their mom or dad never beats them to the point of bleeding or to where you can't wear shorts in public or tank tops because of the bruises. Or it hurts to move around that day so you really don't want to go to school, but your mother who inflicted that pain on you makes you go. I wish they just knew and felt guilty sometimes, because none of them will ever know how it feels, and they will neevr realize how lucky they are to have loving parents who will drop everything, and go bankrupt for a child they actually love. I never had that. My parents might have loved me at one point, but it's not true now.

What mother who loves their child would beat them until they had serious head problems? Or watch as her first born was flung across a room and beaten down by a man who was her father? A mother would watch her child be beaten and not do a thing? Visable bruises all over the body of her child, and just tell her, "he just gets mad, just say sorry and it won't happen again." Who is so upset she leaves, then is so scared, she never wants to come home then tells her child, "don't say anythin bad about your father, because he's just not healthy right now, he'll be better soon." Really? He'll be better soon. let me go ahead and come home then! ha. That was life. every day. "Hush angel, just stop crying, and suck it up. this isn't the worst you can go through". It's always been that way. Kids at THA are too selfish to realize that's the real world. Kids being abused for dumb things and scarred is real life. it happens EVERY. DAY. The next party and if you're invited or not is not important. Finding out if you can graduate, not because of your smarts but because of money you work for isn't enough is important. Praying you have enough scholarship money so you can go to college is important. Not wondering if guys will like you if you kiss another girl. [[which, BTW they won't. that's stupid if you think that's true.]]

I so want to be saludatorian or valedictorian this year. Just so I can make a speech at the end of the year. Just to make my father feel embarrassed and for others to realize what a dick they really are.

Then again, I really don't. I honestly and truly don't want anyone to know. I want them to feel as though they are better than me just so in the end when I'm something big and amazing and their still stuck here, I can come back to THA and go, I was abused almost all of my life and had to work for EVERYTHING that I'm gotten even harder than anyone else in this room. Guess what? I'm more successful than any of you. I want them to realize wow, this girl who I thought was such a horrible person who is lazy who is ugly who is unliked became amazing and strong and God I'm so jealous.

I leave every Thursday a bit early because I go to therapy with Mary Beth. It use to be Fridays at 11:30am. so I'd have to leave early to see her. other days I work, I leave early to work 4 hours 3x a week that pays only $8 an hour. That little money is to save up for a laptop so I can make it in college. That little bit of money that I work my hardest for is to pay for things that shampoo and conditioner, for soap. for other things i may need. for food. every day I try not to eat too much because i don't have a lot of money. Once again, I'm GROWING. growth means I'm hungry all the time. I've sacrificed playing in marching band, the ONLY thing that gives me happiness for work so I can get food. so I can survive. I still have a 4.0 even though I'm working all the time. I babysit for free for the lady I live with's child because it's the least I can do. She gives me dinner free of charge, she gives me clothes when I really needed it. She helps me out so much. She even lets me sleep in her home. I'm not her child, but she treats me like she's my mother. Like she was the one who watched me grow up. She knows more about me than my own mother. She can tell you my favorite color, what clothes I like to wear, what type of music I'm into that the moment, what instrument, and music I'm working on, how I like my hair, and my random bad and good habits I have. She can tell you I bite my nails, and leave clothes in the bathroom all the time. She can tell you I demand a bathtub and shower being spotless before I shower, she can tell you I love kool-aide and what flavor I love the most. The sad thing? I never ever told her any of these things myself.

That's my life now. That's what the real world dishes out. You know. today was about the 10th time I hear an adult tell me that I was the most mature 18 year old they've ever met. It's the sad truth when you never could live a childhood. when you were a little girl's mommy at the age of 10 and didn't even know what a period was. My little sister was raised by me and sadly I had to take that role by force. That was my life.

Can anyone understand what my life has done to me? I'm suppose to worry about what I'm going to wear tomorrow or what party to hit up this weekend. God, the last time I went shopping because it was a girl's day was about last summer. I've never had a sleepover, and only been to about 2. I want a normal teenager's life. I want it kinda badly. It'll never happen, but maybe I'll have the chance to experience college...

That's all for now. I'm tired.

No title. Just words.

I'm talking with this lady Mary Beth now? she's got me going through this part of whatever we're doing called anger and rage. The thing is, I think the majority of myself is over this now. It's now something else, and it's something no one can understand, even me. Honestly, I DON'T know what's going on with me, and at times, I just want to crawl into a hole and be forgotten, because I guess that's how I feel people are about me. It's sad to say that it's safe to post blogs about Cameron because even though he gets e-mails saying when I've blogged, I don't know if he'll ever read them, or if it even sparks enough interest for him to try to look. He's too busy wrapped up in his medival game and school to look. He's the one who really got me into blogging or just writing in general, but ironically he's the one not ever giving me advice about it.

He once told me that sometimes you just can't talk to someone about a problem, It just had to be read. In a way he just didn't want to hear my voice and have me interrupt him all the time, which is a horrible habit of mine. It was a wonderful way to communicate, and we'd talk about the ideas in my blogs until slowly it progressed to a stop. We'd talk from once a week to once a while, to never. Then one day I finally bluntly asked him if he still read my blogs. His responce was one I knew the truth underneath. He just told me he had a e-mail folder of my blogs and reads them from time to time...Just like everyone else, I seem to fall into the shadows. My once loud and hard to ignore voice has turned soft and as loud as I think I am, no one can hear me...

It's back to the old days at home when I'd try to talk to mom as I was young and still had strong hope. I'd just talk and talk about my future and plans and show her my progress and nothing mattered. It was blown aside as something else is always more important. I ignore hard feelings and slowly become hard, mean, bitchy Angel. My dearest Lucie has come back out to play once more. Just in time for a fresh start in a new city, how riveting. Men have become nothing but useless as they only look for some hot sexy girl to keep interest and it's something I seem to glaze over. Not ever caring. It could be some celebrity or some shit, guess who cares? Not me.

I'm alone in the world again, and it's not mainly because others have made it this way, but because of me. I once again alienate those who wish to help or to become close. The reasons I'm slowly understanding...Maybe because everyone is leaving and once again I'll be in a place all alone. It took 5 years to find someone who understood and loved me before I fucked it up. It seems like this time though, nothing will ever happen, and my prediction will be correct, like always. I'll be cold, heart-less, alone. Missing someone dearly and so deeply it's like a consent painful reminder that I'm good for nothing and will always and forever fuck things up. Thankfully this time it won't be in such the painful way. I've matured and will most likely stay in this state.

Mary Beth always talks of think positive and try your hardest to believe in good things about yourself, and like Cameron has told me to say something good about myself everyday when I look at myself in the shower. I see nothing in the mirror before I take a shower. I see a robot sometimes. I see some girl who's so foolish with herself and knows nothing. I feel stupid for even thinking of finding something positive. I've given up on myself a long time ago. My future goals are based on only my little one, and I could never choose something I knew I didn't enjoy. I push myself toward for only one reason these days, and it grows dimmer each and every day. I'm scared to finally look in the mirror one day and say It's over, and I don't think Mary Beth is right, and my little one doesn't need me....it's just over... because that's how the world seems these days. It's never correct to let anger out physically, and I just need to learn to live with it and not let it grow. It seems like in the end I do have a green thumb, but sadly it goes for more than just plants. I scared to be alone in rock hill....I'm scared that I'll never come back....or leave....

It seems as though there's no heart where it should be. Just a empty space. It's no longer filled with a hurt and broken one, no. But just air...It hurts daily and not in the normal way.

It's not just one of those days anymore, it's been this way for a long time now...I'm scared it will always be this way.

Mrs. Jillian's post made me think deeply...

I just don't have time to get into it atm.

But I will tonight when I can finally relax, I promise!

Here's the quote.

Morgan Yisak saw my sign for "world" and asked what it meant....I explained: America, Africa, all land, all water, all places and all people. He paused and signed, "God made Africa?"

I responded, "Yes, God made everything, all people, all places."

Morgan Yisak chuckled and said, "God not make Africa! No food, babies die, God not there!"

He thought I was foolish for saying such a thing.

It really does make me think about the views of the world today.

It's a bit sad that people have the mind set of "If God loves you, he'll be nice, if there is no God there, or he hates you, life will be harsh." It's a very gloomy way of looking at the world.

Honestly I'm very upset at the moment and have forgotten my train of thought. I'll come back to this when I cool down...

Cuz I'm lonely. and I'm tired. I'm missing you again, oh no. Once again.

My Uncle Charlie died recently. He's been sick for the past year or so, and it's mainly because he's old I think. He was 90 when he passed away.

He use to be this great NASA scientist. He told me everything there was to know about star, and he was the one who got me into the stories of the stars that the Greeks told.

He believed that there were people in this world only made to irritate the ones aspiring to be more. He always did this funny sounded laugh and said, Angel, you are THANKFULLY not one of those people.

I'm quite sad he always lived in Ohio and I never really got to see him as much as I wanted to. Life's not fair that way. It always seems to just take away these hopes you wish for.

I need to move along, and try to make it big. Maybe visit Ohio. I can only hope.

I've never felt so lonely in my life. It seems as though all purpose has been lost, and there are more important things for others to do. I just wish I could talk freely to someone. I'm quite needy about it right now.

I've been texting friends from up north, because mainly they were all guys, and the guys are the easiest to talk to. I talk to them because there is no chance of them liking me or something. I'm quite scared of this sadly. I wish to talk to Cameron all the time, but it just seems like he never wants to try. I understand this as well.

I've become a thorn in people's sides down here. I feel the need to give the people who deal with me everything that I have. If I don't then, something horrible might happen, and the connection lost between us.

I feel so lost all the time, so hurt, and it seems like a chore to become happy again.

I take solstice in scrapbooking now. The past is a happier place. With scrapbooks, I can list past events I wish to remember and erase every bad one.

Every hit, every threat, every wish to just die already will one day disappear. Cameron was playing around today, and was whipping me with a towel. I just stood there and took it. Things like that never hurt me anymore...It takes a wire coat hanger unraveled to hurt me these days.

Mom would do that. She would get mad at me, and grab a coat hanger, wire naturally, and start hitting me with it. It could be because I back-talked to her, or just forgot to do something, or didn't hear her say something. The next moment, there would be welts over my body and stinging pain that would last only for that day.

Dad would laugh and say take it. you know you're strong. I think he thought I was a teenage boy. Maybe he still does, i don't know. It's not until I bring up boys, and his eyes would get clouded and his answers were short. Anything to make him really mad would lead to a fist-fight like always. A 6'6 man vs. a 18 year old 5'9 teenage girl. Can you guess who would win?

It's kinda of weird. Whenever I did get punished by my parents, it was almost like how these kids cut themselves. Except, it wasn't cutting and I wasn't the one doing it. The pain of them [my parents] in my heart was replaced by what they did to my body. So eventually, all the pain went away, and the numbness was very much so welcomed. I wonder if other kids think that, or if I'm the only sick bastard who does.

I hate being yelled at by other adults. They tell me to respect my parents, and I need to go back home and beg for their forgiveness. They only love me and want to protect me. I wonder if they really know what happens everyday. It's ok I guess, they just don't know. Like my uncle charlie would say, the world is filled with ignorance masked by the faces of people around us. The only thing they do is try to get in your way. Never let them get in your way.

I think this is why I like reading depressing books. It gives me some reassurance that there are people out there that has dealt with as much pain and suffering as I have. Even if it's fiction, I like to pretend it's real.

It's been awhile, since I've gone and fucked things up, like I always do.

I'm not sure if you can swear on a blog title, if not, oh well.

Here's to the new year. The year where I can finally leave this town filled with drama from my father, from people who call themselves my friends.

I can cry freely when I leave, keeping the final tears here, right where it belongs.

It's an interesting thought.

I moved to Ridgeland SC with tears of sorrow and the pain of homesickness. I remember it vividly. I missed my friends and family back home, and didn't want to start anew yet again in this little town where it was too hot and always really humid and the people where all really weird and redneck-ish

I'm leaving Ridgeland with tears yet again. a small part with sorrow because as I leave, I leave behind my support group of friends, and people who have inspired me through it all. Most of the tears come from the final drama and heartbreak I have dealt with in the year 2009. and how it will be the last time this will hurt me so terribly.

College life will start with a touch a fear, the hope of something new, and the excitement of proving I am worth more than you think.

It's not too far away, like I orignally wished for, I won't see my beloved city of Chicago or Athens, Ohio and start up right away big. Money does that to you. I won't lose that dream, that hope. I will always follow the plan I wish for and prove them all wrong. I am going to make it all on my own.

With drama of what happens and the weight of my life in the past now lifted off, this will be easier than anything.

We can be heroes. Just for one day.