sudden darkness

It just hits at the smallest thing.
It's so hard to explain.
I just want to cry and cry and cry.
over nothing.
over something actually.
something that happened a long time ago.
something that haunts
hurts.
it's so hard to explain.
i feel like a crazy person.
being so scared of a dream.
not being able to tell others.
I see him sometimes in my dreams.
he scares me awake.
He haunts me still.
I'm 4 hours away.
I could be 13 hours away in time zones and he'd still haunt.
still hurting
still scaring.
i'm afraid.
and i don't want to be any more.
please leave me alone.
i hate feeling like this.
like a crazy person.
or someone with a disease.
i hate this.
i hate who birthed me.
i hate this cursed life.



why was i placed in such a horrible place?
somewhere i can never be free?
i hate this.


please leave me alone.
it's been 2 years for me.
it's been almost 18 years for you.
isn't that enough?
you've had your fun.
let me be free

easy now

it's easy to lose yourself
into a fantasy world
where every trouble is just lost and what matters is now.
then reality catches up.
and you start hyperventilating.
You run to no one
because you know it's all your fault.
are you meant to give up?
are they all right?
is hope nothing but a lie?
false.
fake.
hope is something dumb you cling to when you know your outcome is bad?
maybe....
but for now
it's easy to slip back into not worrying
it's not time to freak out just yet
not yet
so easy

ugh sickness

makes me all sorts of delusional.
make me think all negatively.
makes me sad.
i hate being sick.
it's like slipping back into pathetic times.
i just wanna be curled up into a ball and have someone rub my back and chat
"it'll be ok"
i'd like to believe it.

hey. you there.

this Angel's very drained mind speaking. I'd like to sleep for more than 2 hours tonight without the urge to puke again.
Did this 2x, don't feel like doing it again.
I've been terrible and already am behind on my beautiful you blog.
this time, i blame this weekend.
ughh.... nausea.
How am I getting home tomorrow night? I'd love to know....