Cuz I'm lonely. and I'm tired. I'm missing you again, oh no. Once again.

My Uncle Charlie died recently. He's been sick for the past year or so, and it's mainly because he's old I think. He was 90 when he passed away.

He use to be this great NASA scientist. He told me everything there was to know about star, and he was the one who got me into the stories of the stars that the Greeks told.

He believed that there were people in this world only made to irritate the ones aspiring to be more. He always did this funny sounded laugh and said, Angel, you are THANKFULLY not one of those people.

I'm quite sad he always lived in Ohio and I never really got to see him as much as I wanted to. Life's not fair that way. It always seems to just take away these hopes you wish for.

I need to move along, and try to make it big. Maybe visit Ohio. I can only hope.

I've never felt so lonely in my life. It seems as though all purpose has been lost, and there are more important things for others to do. I just wish I could talk freely to someone. I'm quite needy about it right now.

I've been texting friends from up north, because mainly they were all guys, and the guys are the easiest to talk to. I talk to them because there is no chance of them liking me or something. I'm quite scared of this sadly. I wish to talk to Cameron all the time, but it just seems like he never wants to try. I understand this as well.

I've become a thorn in people's sides down here. I feel the need to give the people who deal with me everything that I have. If I don't then, something horrible might happen, and the connection lost between us.

I feel so lost all the time, so hurt, and it seems like a chore to become happy again.

I take solstice in scrapbooking now. The past is a happier place. With scrapbooks, I can list past events I wish to remember and erase every bad one.

Every hit, every threat, every wish to just die already will one day disappear. Cameron was playing around today, and was whipping me with a towel. I just stood there and took it. Things like that never hurt me anymore...It takes a wire coat hanger unraveled to hurt me these days.

Mom would do that. She would get mad at me, and grab a coat hanger, wire naturally, and start hitting me with it. It could be because I back-talked to her, or just forgot to do something, or didn't hear her say something. The next moment, there would be welts over my body and stinging pain that would last only for that day.

Dad would laugh and say take it. you know you're strong. I think he thought I was a teenage boy. Maybe he still does, i don't know. It's not until I bring up boys, and his eyes would get clouded and his answers were short. Anything to make him really mad would lead to a fist-fight like always. A 6'6 man vs. a 18 year old 5'9 teenage girl. Can you guess who would win?

It's kinda of weird. Whenever I did get punished by my parents, it was almost like how these kids cut themselves. Except, it wasn't cutting and I wasn't the one doing it. The pain of them [my parents] in my heart was replaced by what they did to my body. So eventually, all the pain went away, and the numbness was very much so welcomed. I wonder if other kids think that, or if I'm the only sick bastard who does.

I hate being yelled at by other adults. They tell me to respect my parents, and I need to go back home and beg for their forgiveness. They only love me and want to protect me. I wonder if they really know what happens everyday. It's ok I guess, they just don't know. Like my uncle charlie would say, the world is filled with ignorance masked by the faces of people around us. The only thing they do is try to get in your way. Never let them get in your way.

I think this is why I like reading depressing books. It gives me some reassurance that there are people out there that has dealt with as much pain and suffering as I have. Even if it's fiction, I like to pretend it's real.