It's hard to dream. even harder to remember.

Night #5 of a fitful sleep.
If you want to call 5 scatted hours a night sleep...
Yet again, dreams of torment. Of pain. Of hate. Anger. Despair. and Depression haunt my being. Yet again medication does nothing.
"It's natural"
"It's unhealthy"
"Just don't over do it"
Yeah...why bother when it never works.
Maybe if I take 6mg of That sleeping aide plus some nyquil I'll stay asleep tonight.
I've even gone to starting to sleep at about 10, at the latest 11, shutting my cell off, and clearing my mind.
Nothing.
I've even gone to self induced pain in my sleep.
I didn't know you could do that...
Till last night.
My face is sore and my fingernails hurt.
From punching myself.
In my sleep.
I didn't know until the pain from the punch woke me up.
I didn't know I was telling myself even in my sleep that I hate myself. I thought it was all a dream.
I guess not.
I scare myself more now than before.
I'm not sure what to do.
Or if anyone can help me.


Have I gotten so bad that even my subconscious self agrees with my conscious self?


Terribly. Quite terribly. A Terrible Misery.