No title. Just words.

I'm talking with this lady Mary Beth now? she's got me going through this part of whatever we're doing called anger and rage. The thing is, I think the majority of myself is over this now. It's now something else, and it's something no one can understand, even me. Honestly, I DON'T know what's going on with me, and at times, I just want to crawl into a hole and be forgotten, because I guess that's how I feel people are about me. It's sad to say that it's safe to post blogs about Cameron because even though he gets e-mails saying when I've blogged, I don't know if he'll ever read them, or if it even sparks enough interest for him to try to look. He's too busy wrapped up in his medival game and school to look. He's the one who really got me into blogging or just writing in general, but ironically he's the one not ever giving me advice about it.

He once told me that sometimes you just can't talk to someone about a problem, It just had to be read. In a way he just didn't want to hear my voice and have me interrupt him all the time, which is a horrible habit of mine. It was a wonderful way to communicate, and we'd talk about the ideas in my blogs until slowly it progressed to a stop. We'd talk from once a week to once a while, to never. Then one day I finally bluntly asked him if he still read my blogs. His responce was one I knew the truth underneath. He just told me he had a e-mail folder of my blogs and reads them from time to time...Just like everyone else, I seem to fall into the shadows. My once loud and hard to ignore voice has turned soft and as loud as I think I am, no one can hear me...

It's back to the old days at home when I'd try to talk to mom as I was young and still had strong hope. I'd just talk and talk about my future and plans and show her my progress and nothing mattered. It was blown aside as something else is always more important. I ignore hard feelings and slowly become hard, mean, bitchy Angel. My dearest Lucie has come back out to play once more. Just in time for a fresh start in a new city, how riveting. Men have become nothing but useless as they only look for some hot sexy girl to keep interest and it's something I seem to glaze over. Not ever caring. It could be some celebrity or some shit, guess who cares? Not me.

I'm alone in the world again, and it's not mainly because others have made it this way, but because of me. I once again alienate those who wish to help or to become close. The reasons I'm slowly understanding...Maybe because everyone is leaving and once again I'll be in a place all alone. It took 5 years to find someone who understood and loved me before I fucked it up. It seems like this time though, nothing will ever happen, and my prediction will be correct, like always. I'll be cold, heart-less, alone. Missing someone dearly and so deeply it's like a consent painful reminder that I'm good for nothing and will always and forever fuck things up. Thankfully this time it won't be in such the painful way. I've matured and will most likely stay in this state.

Mary Beth always talks of think positive and try your hardest to believe in good things about yourself, and like Cameron has told me to say something good about myself everyday when I look at myself in the shower. I see nothing in the mirror before I take a shower. I see a robot sometimes. I see some girl who's so foolish with herself and knows nothing. I feel stupid for even thinking of finding something positive. I've given up on myself a long time ago. My future goals are based on only my little one, and I could never choose something I knew I didn't enjoy. I push myself toward for only one reason these days, and it grows dimmer each and every day. I'm scared to finally look in the mirror one day and say It's over, and I don't think Mary Beth is right, and my little one doesn't need me....it's just over... because that's how the world seems these days. It's never correct to let anger out physically, and I just need to learn to live with it and not let it grow. It seems like in the end I do have a green thumb, but sadly it goes for more than just plants. I scared to be alone in rock hill....I'm scared that I'll never come back....or leave....

It seems as though there's no heart where it should be. Just a empty space. It's no longer filled with a hurt and broken one, no. But just air...It hurts daily and not in the normal way.

It's not just one of those days anymore, it's been this way for a long time now...I'm scared it will always be this way.