And so. life tries hard to move on.

Trust.

Something so simply seemingly easy is quite difficult in the end.

My newest excersize via Mary Beth [other than changing the room I sleep in into something different from how it looked back at my house...] Is journaling. I think I might actually let her know I have a blogger web site...I honestly don't like typing out my feelings all too much anymore.

I feel so guarded and insecure from the world and people sometimes. I just had a glimpes at Montanna's newest blog and saw the word Abuse...I wonder if he really knows how hard it is to go through it and write it so everyone really understands how it goes.

Ms. Walker is going to give me a book to read called "A Child Called IT" I've heard of it before and guessed as to what it was about but I just avoided it honestly...

Now I feel I'm ready to look. Ready to read. I understand his life was a harder abuse. I want to know though. I want to hear it.

Ugh. Walker says it'll be better when I leave this place, as much as I love the people here, it's the location and the history that follows it that messes me up, and she's right. I need to leave ASAP. I'm just scared that it will be without my little lifeline and I'll be alone and scared. I won't have a trusty friend and fear will honestly run its course in college I think.

I've never been afraid of anything before. Nothing. Because whatever it was, it wasn't that bad and I could take care of it. Death was an easy thing. I was never scared and always embraced death. I just would wish I lived longer to see and feel all the points in a mortal life. With Tina being killed, I knew I would always take care of her, and if something or someone wanted her, they got a pissed off big sister to get through first. She was nothing to be scared of with her death as well. As for violence and the such, I could take it, and emotional things? pssshhh bring it.

Now? I'm scared to death that I'll end up back home, and the next thing everyone sees is me in a hospital bed and my sister blaming herself for it all. I don't want her to see me as weak or scared or nothing other than fearless, strong, super angel. I don't mind death at all, but dying by my father's or mother's hand is the last way I wanna go.

How stupid is it that I want no one to be close to me, yet get upset if people I thought were my friends completely drop me? A mess, right?

I sometimes wish I could just go up to the podium on graduation day and tell all of THA what exactly I've been through and what selfish, horrible shitheads they all are, with their stupid problems and perfect life. What I wouldn't give to not worry about money everyday. Guess what? I got clothes this year for christmas and was never happier because I needed clothes. badly. I'm outgrowing my old clothes. OUT. GROWING. I'm 18 and still growing, and don't have the money to buy a simple thing like clothes because my parents never ever cared for my basic needs and they really won't now more than ever. I wish I could just scream at them to be thankful that their mom or dad never beats them to the point of bleeding or to where you can't wear shorts in public or tank tops because of the bruises. Or it hurts to move around that day so you really don't want to go to school, but your mother who inflicted that pain on you makes you go. I wish they just knew and felt guilty sometimes, because none of them will ever know how it feels, and they will neevr realize how lucky they are to have loving parents who will drop everything, and go bankrupt for a child they actually love. I never had that. My parents might have loved me at one point, but it's not true now.

What mother who loves their child would beat them until they had serious head problems? Or watch as her first born was flung across a room and beaten down by a man who was her father? A mother would watch her child be beaten and not do a thing? Visable bruises all over the body of her child, and just tell her, "he just gets mad, just say sorry and it won't happen again." Who is so upset she leaves, then is so scared, she never wants to come home then tells her child, "don't say anythin bad about your father, because he's just not healthy right now, he'll be better soon." Really? He'll be better soon. let me go ahead and come home then! ha. That was life. every day. "Hush angel, just stop crying, and suck it up. this isn't the worst you can go through". It's always been that way. Kids at THA are too selfish to realize that's the real world. Kids being abused for dumb things and scarred is real life. it happens EVERY. DAY. The next party and if you're invited or not is not important. Finding out if you can graduate, not because of your smarts but because of money you work for isn't enough is important. Praying you have enough scholarship money so you can go to college is important. Not wondering if guys will like you if you kiss another girl. [[which, BTW they won't. that's stupid if you think that's true.]]

I so want to be saludatorian or valedictorian this year. Just so I can make a speech at the end of the year. Just to make my father feel embarrassed and for others to realize what a dick they really are.

Then again, I really don't. I honestly and truly don't want anyone to know. I want them to feel as though they are better than me just so in the end when I'm something big and amazing and their still stuck here, I can come back to THA and go, I was abused almost all of my life and had to work for EVERYTHING that I'm gotten even harder than anyone else in this room. Guess what? I'm more successful than any of you. I want them to realize wow, this girl who I thought was such a horrible person who is lazy who is ugly who is unliked became amazing and strong and God I'm so jealous.

I leave every Thursday a bit early because I go to therapy with Mary Beth. It use to be Fridays at 11:30am. so I'd have to leave early to see her. other days I work, I leave early to work 4 hours 3x a week that pays only $8 an hour. That little money is to save up for a laptop so I can make it in college. That little bit of money that I work my hardest for is to pay for things that shampoo and conditioner, for soap. for other things i may need. for food. every day I try not to eat too much because i don't have a lot of money. Once again, I'm GROWING. growth means I'm hungry all the time. I've sacrificed playing in marching band, the ONLY thing that gives me happiness for work so I can get food. so I can survive. I still have a 4.0 even though I'm working all the time. I babysit for free for the lady I live with's child because it's the least I can do. She gives me dinner free of charge, she gives me clothes when I really needed it. She helps me out so much. She even lets me sleep in her home. I'm not her child, but she treats me like she's my mother. Like she was the one who watched me grow up. She knows more about me than my own mother. She can tell you my favorite color, what clothes I like to wear, what type of music I'm into that the moment, what instrument, and music I'm working on, how I like my hair, and my random bad and good habits I have. She can tell you I bite my nails, and leave clothes in the bathroom all the time. She can tell you I demand a bathtub and shower being spotless before I shower, she can tell you I love kool-aide and what flavor I love the most. The sad thing? I never ever told her any of these things myself.

That's my life now. That's what the real world dishes out. You know. today was about the 10th time I hear an adult tell me that I was the most mature 18 year old they've ever met. It's the sad truth when you never could live a childhood. when you were a little girl's mommy at the age of 10 and didn't even know what a period was. My little sister was raised by me and sadly I had to take that role by force. That was my life.

Can anyone understand what my life has done to me? I'm suppose to worry about what I'm going to wear tomorrow or what party to hit up this weekend. God, the last time I went shopping because it was a girl's day was about last summer. I've never had a sleepover, and only been to about 2. I want a normal teenager's life. I want it kinda badly. It'll never happen, but maybe I'll have the chance to experience college...

That's all for now. I'm tired.